2.5 Weeks To Go, 1 Case Of Plantar Fasciitis, 1 Strained Calf, Constant Migraines, And A Partridge In A Pear Tree!

If the title above tells you anything I think it tells you how much I’m enjoying the process and how much peace and energy it has brought to my everyday life.  I feel so alive and my body is working at a precision pace that is only known to gods and not mere mortals.  I’ve, also, been learning to lie my ass off.  I’m really in the final stretch of this thing and it feels, not unlike, the time I was driving my ’95 Corsica past the 150000 mile mark. Everything was falling apart on the car.  I had strapped the trunk down with a bungee cord, the engine would stall, it had no turn signals and the radio would work for only spanish stations.  I AM THAT CORSICA!  I am falling apart slowly.  Actually, not even that slowly anymore.  All the falling part seems to be happening at a quick pace lately.  That is the only thing that is happening “quick” in training for the race.  God, knows the running isn’t “quick.”  Slow and painful. 

"Hey, Ryan. Thanks for giving me away. My life is much better now that I live in a junkyard. I hope you don't sweat as much in the marathon as you sweated on me. I still smell like a blend of Michael Jordan cologne and Taco Bell. Thanks!"

Maybe I’m looking at this wrong.  Maybe my body is breaking down but then in it’s place is a beautiful Phoenix that rises from the ashes. 

"Hey, Ryan, don't EVER compare yourself to me. I'm really awesome looking like something from Lord of The Rings and you look like a chubbier version of Screech. Yeah,I watch Saved By The Bell, so what. Good luck on the marathon. Tell Mr. Belding hello for me."

Maybe not.  But I do keep having this recurring dream of showing up to the race hobbling and beaten down and then as I start running I feel a little better and then on mile 4 I feel great.  I start running like the wind.  I’ve never run this fast in my life.  My breathing is great.  I’m passing people right and left.  I’m actually looking at my surroundings instead of the paved road.  I keep passing people. I’ve never felt this alive.  I start passing the Tarahumara runners and the African runners that don’t wear shoes.  I’m beating them but I’m not cocky about it.  I’m just doing my thing. Doing what I was meant to be doing. Just running.  I end up winning the race but I don’t stop there.  I just keep going.  Long Beach isn’t the end I turn around and head towards Vegas.  People start shouting out things like “Hey, you’re copying one of the story lines from Forrest Gump.”, “Tom Hanks is a WAY better actor than you.”  But I ignore all of those comments and keep RUNNING.  I, of course, at this point wake up in a pool of sweat with Teen Mom playing in the background (I leave the tv on at night to my wifes dismay.  I get scared of the boogeyman (The Kardashians) sneaking into my room so the tv settles my anxiety)

"Ryan, I would smoke you in any race. I'm, also, better with women especially my Jenny. I've, also, got a sweet beard that I dont have to use Just For Men hair dye on like you do."

So as you can tell the as I get closer to the race it is conveniently coinciding with me losing my mind.  A lot going on right now.  A lot of great things and a lot of stuff I don’t have time for.  I’m forgetting things right and left.  I hope i remember to wear pants for the race.  Or maybe I dont….  You’re welcome, ladies.  (referring to my bulging crotch area).  Before I get into my experiences running my last 2 16 milers and my first 18 miler let me tell you about something amazing that has happened.  When I chose to run a marathon I decided I would like to run for a charity.  I found an amazing charity called St. Judes Children’s Hospital.  I studied up on them and the work they do really moved me.  All joking aside I found a lot of these kids fights with cancer to be very moving and inspiring.  So I sent out a letter two weeks ago to all my friends and family letting them know that I was running a marathon and asking for donations.  Here is the letter I sent out.

As you may or may not know… who are we kidding, I’ve yapped to everyone about this.  I am running a marathon.  I quit smoking 8 months ago and I figured the only way to make myself more miserable is to run a marathon.  I’ve never run more than a mile in my life and I used to be quite a bit heavier than I am now so I’ve had my work cut out for me.  I got my trusty Non-Runners Guide to Running a Marathon and I was off…slowly at first…and then more slow…and then faster…slower….injury….faster…..etc.  I’ve been training for over 6 months now  (first 3 months was to just get me to a place where I could run 30 mins in a row  – still a challenge).  But I’m proud to say, as of last week, I’ve run 16 miles in a row!  Next weekend will be 18 and this all leads up to the grand finale.  The Long Beach Marathon on October 9th.  

I’ve documented my progress (funny word that doesn’t quite feel appropriate) at my first ever blog runbaileyrun.wordpress.com.  I figured if I was doing this I would document my misery… and just generally be goofy.

I, also, figured if I did this I would love to help someone else out rather than just my health.  I studied up and found a great organization that helps kids with cancer: St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. It’s an amazing organization and these kids fight harder every day than I ever will running. So, I would really love to try to raise some money for them. 
Your donation will help St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital find new treatments for childhood cancer and other catastrophic diseases. You can help St. Jude continue its lifesaving work against pediatric diseases with your help.

Whatever you can donate would be amazing.  I’m trying to raise a $1000 or even more and would love your help.  But don’t think you go away empty handed, oh no,  for the simple price of one dollar I will carry your name on a sheet of sweaty paper with me during the race.  For five dollars I will let you choose a song, any song, and I will run to that song (please nothing from the ‘Twilight’ soundtrack.  I tried it and no bueno…and what’s the deal with Edward? Does he really sparkle?).  And for $50 dollars I will think about you for ONE WHOLE MILE.  That’s right, non-stop thinking about YOU.  In truth, it will be great to think of anything else besides my heavy panting and the amount of  liquids pouring out of my body (turns out I’m a sweater). 
To donate:
Please click the Donate to this Event tab once you’ve clicked on the link above. Please contact me should you have any questions.

All joking aside, this means a lot to me. Something I never thought I could do.  I’m not going to win the race but I guarantee, with your help, I will finish. 

Thanks so much for your consideration.
Ryan Bailey

 I sent this out 2 weeks ago.  I was really hesitant to send it.  I hate being the guy with his hand out asking for something but it is a great cause and I’ve never really asked for anything so I hit the send button and sent it out.  In two weeks I’ve raised almost $1500 and that was from all of the awesome people listed below.

Zachariah Moura  

 Bill and Becky Bailey
 Aunt Kathy, Grandma Davis 
Adam Lamb
That is all from only 37 amazing people.  I think I’m going to get a couple more people to donate as well by the time of the race!  I am kind of blown away by the amount of support I’ve gotten from people about this.  I can by a cynical guy but this kind of warms the cockles of my cold heart.  I’m overwhelmed by people’s generosity.  So much so that I have no smartass comments to make at all.  Just that I thank all of these people so much and I know on the day of the race this will really help carry me thru the run.  What is, also,  very cool is that $1474 is the exact amount for one day of chemotherapy for one of the kids.  It’s kind of frightening to think of how expensive that is but we all did something to help someone in need and I think that is a pretty awesome thing. Thanks!
Ok, Phew, glad that part is over.  Now back to being a smartass!  So let’s see.  I think the last post I wrote I had done my first 16 miler and it was a disheartening experience.  Kind of blew me away how hard it was.  So then the next Saturday I did my 2nd 1 miler.  I was pretty scared of the run actually but, low and behold, it went great.  I mean, let’s not kid around.  It was still extremely hard but it was so much easier than the week before.  I hit mile 13 and got so excited because I realized I still had some fuel in the tank and that i was going to complete the run.  I did complete the run.  I was in pain but I completed it.


Speaking of pain, for the past month I’ve been having intense pain in my heels. My left heel, especially.  I finally got a diagnosis and it wasn’t pretty.  I have a common runners injury called Plantar Fasciitis
Wikipedia defines plantar fasciitis as this:
Plantar fasciitis is a painful inflammatory process of the plantar fascia. Longstanding cases of plantar fasciitis often demonstrate more degenerative changes than inflammatory changes, in which case they are termed plantar fasciosis.[1] The suffix “osis” implies a pathology of chronic degeneration without inflammation. Since tendons and ligaments do not contain blood vessels, they do not actually become inflamed. Instead, injury to the tendon is usually the result of an accumulation over time of microscopic tears at the cellular level.

The plantar fascia is a thick fibrous band of connective tissue originating on the bottom surface of the calcaneus (heel bone) and extending along the sole of the foot towards the five toes. It has been reported that plantar fasciitis occurs in two million Americans a year and 10% of the population over a lifetime.[2] It is commonly associated with long periods of weight bearing. Among non-athletic populations, it is associated with a high body mass index.[3] The pain is usually felt on the underside of the heel and is often most intense with the first steps of the day. Another symptom is that the sufferer has difficulty bending the foot so that the toes are brought toward the shin (decreased dorsiflexion of the ankle). A symptom commonly recognized among sufferers of plantar fasciitis is increased probability of knee pains, especially among runners

Check out my hot x-ray!!  I had no clue my foot looked this awesome.

As you can imagine, this totally sucks. I wake up every morning feeling like I’m stepping on a nail.  And during every run I have to be super careful on where my feet land.  If i hit it the wrong way I feel like I’m walking on glass.  I’m not complaining. I’m a huge fan of glass as a substance so it’s just a great reminder of what my favorite cups are made out of.  The pain had gotten to the point where I will have to walk here and there during the runs until the pain subsides.  I reiterate though, that I WILL FINISH THE RACE.  Of course, I’m having a feeling that I’m going to look like Larry Flynt by the time I get to the finish line.

This is what I imagine I will look like when I finish the race minus the gold plating on the wheelchair, and the fancy suit. I will probably be in a wheelchair, though and I will look 70 yrs old (and I will be the publisher of Hustler magazine)

I’m learning to live with this pain.  I feel like one of those herpes victims you see on those Valtrex tv ads where a husband and wife are walking along a beach throwing a stick that their dog chases after and we hear the guys voiceover saying something like, “when I first got Herpes I thought it was a death sentence but with Valtrex I’m learning to LIVE WITH IT.  Life isnt’ so bad.”  And then the wife says something bubbly like, “We haven’t missed a beat.” 

“Ever since I’ve gotten Plantar Fasciitis I like to take long drawn out walks on beaches while the sun sets with my wife. I think we’re going to be just fine. P.S.-I have herpes.”

Around this time I was, also, dealing with a strained calf.  I was stretching and icing it everyday and thought I had gotten it to a good point where I could run on it but then I went out on my 3rd 16 mile run 3 weeks ago.  It started out like any other run.  Painful.  Started getting into my groove and trying to gain the “flow” that all the runners talk about.  I was on mile 6 when i decided to go a little faster and sped up.  Right then there was a POP between my Achilles tendon and my right calf.  My first thought was that I must have exploded.  I soon realized that since I could still feel all the sweat everywhere (like I’ve said before, I’m a sweater) that i was still on this earth.  I was freaked out though. What did i just do to myself?  The last time something like this happened was 6 yrs ago when I was performing at a comedy festival and jumped off like a maniac during one of the sketches. When I landed there was a pop around my knee.  I had torn my ACL.  I had to finish the show while I tried to tell anyone that would listen that my leg wasn’t operational any longer.  I had no idea what I had done.  I carefully placed a little weight on my right leg.  It could still hold my weight.  HUGE VICTORY!  I then tried to walk.  I WAS ABLE TO WALK.  The mentally challenged part of myself said, “Hey, Ryan, keep running.  YOu have to finish your training run.”  I was about to do this but then I heard another voice in my head.  This was a voice that consisted of my wife, my mom, and my sister (not unlike the three witches in Macbeth).  These voices all said, “ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR F*CKING MIND.”  Go home, rest, and heal and live to run another day.  I’m extremely scared of all of those ladies so I decided to listen.  I think it was the first time in my life where I chose to do the right thing.  Crazy.

"Double, Double, Toil and Trouble. STOP RUNNING YOU IDIOT....and take out the trash."

I talked to my sister who is a registered nurse (my sister is TOTALLY better than your sister) and she gave me a couple different options.  The one I liked the most and the one I’m going to go with is that it was a collection of white blood cells that were in that area trying to heal the strained calf and they formed a mass not unlike a pimple and that pimple popped on the run.  I like this theory because it takes me back to the days of popping pimples which I was reallllly good at.

“Ryan, I’m going to spray white blood cells all over you. You suck at running.”

My sister told me to continue with the icing which I have gotten vigilant about and to up my ibuprofen intake to 800 mg every 8 hours.  She said my body was so inflamed that it was in a constant state of shock.  I told her that’s how I like to roll.  I’m ready for anything that way.  I took her advice and iced and took the meds.  That next week I felt way better.  I started my runs the next week slowly as not to reinjure and they went great.  I did 5 on Monday, 8 on Wed, 5 on Thursday and then Saturday rolled around.  My first 18 miles.

This was the day of reckoning.  I mean, the marathon is the actual day of reckoning but this is the day before the day or reckoning.  When i first started training I saw the training schedule and couldn’t believe that there would be a day where i would set out to run 18 miles.  I, also, didn’t think there would be a day where I live in Los Angeles and actively try to spend my life acting like other people.  Oh, what a long strange trip it has been. (picture this sentence in the most sarcastic voice you’ve even heard.  I.E.-James Spader) 

“Ryan, you’re like the best runner that I’ve ever seen. Also, I hate Molly Ringwald.”

It had all led to this 18 miles.  I carbo loaded the night before.  I’m a foodie so I chose a place that is quite a find.  It’s a little hole in the wall Mexican food place that makes some of the best burritos this side of the border.  It’s called El Pollo Loco.  Try it.  You won’t regret it…until the next morning. 

Zagat rated this 4 stars!!!

As i write this I realize what a mistake it was to have mexican food the day before 18 miles but for some reason on that fateful morning my stomach held strong.  Something felt good about that day.  It just felt right from my first step.  I wasn’t in pain.  I was running at a decent pace.  I wasn’t needing to stop.  I hate to say this but I might have even been enjoying myself.  The tunes I was listening too were great.  It all came into place for a great run.   The run itself was pretty uneventful.  The biggest thing that happened was around mile 16 i got struck with a hunger that I haven’t felt before.  I was so hungry.  I guess this is normal since your body pretty much goes into a cannibalistic state after running for over 3 hours. 

An actual picture taken of me on my 16th mile!!

The other weird thing was around the 15th mile my Achilles tendon started to feel funny which started giving my heart palpitations of my Achilles tendon breaking.  It did not break and I finished the 18 miles.  The song I finished to was Nookie by Limp Bizkit, embarrassingly enough, and then I got all emotional when I was finished and almost started weeping.  I was pumping my fists in the air like I had won something.  I totally freaked out this homeless lady at the park who thought I was crazy as I kept fist pumping the air.  Must have been refreshing for her to think someone else was crazy for once.


"That guy with the huge calves is CRAZYYYYY!! He's, also , a very poor runner. My imaginary friend Leonard thinks so too."

Here’s a picture of me directly after my 18 mile run.  Some people think that my dog Brooklyn was forced to be in the picture with me.  Not true.  I actually ran with Brooklyn under my arm for 18 miles.  I felt it would make me more agile to learn to run with a 10 pound pooch.  Brooklyn wasn’t happy with it but by the end we were pretty synchronized with our movements.  We won this race together!

A boy and his dog!

So that leads me to this week.  The runs this week so far have been so hard.  I think my body and my mind are kind of shot.  I could barely finish my 8 mile run last night.  I think my muscles are really fatigued from being so awesome.  I thought I would continue to ride the high from the progress I’ve been making but it seems like I’ve digresses.  I read that this is somewhat normal and that is why two weeks before the race you start to taper off.  Tapering off is all about slowing down so you can hit the race with your body not being totally fatigued.  I’ve got to be honest the thought of tapering off scares me.  I get scared that i will lose the momentum that I’ve built.  I guess, this is a common runners worry and is totally wrong.  My body needs to taper off so it can heal.  I just have to keep saying that to myself like a mantra.  “Heal, heal, heal, heal.”  So this Saturday I only have to run 9 miles!!  Never thought I would be totally psyched about 9 miles like I was allowing myself to eat ice cream.  Ugh.

Let’s see.  What else?  I’ve noticed that lately I get really excited when I see someone with a good running stride.  It’s like spotting a celebrity.  I get all excited and I almost yell out, “way to go.”  I look at someone with a great running stride and i get super jealous and impressed.  I feel like I’m ogling then like some creepy pervert.  I’m looking forward to getting back to the days of not noticing runners at all because I will be inside on my couch watching episodes of the real housewives of (insert ANY state or city here). 

Super hot running stride, bro. I like what I see. I like it alot. (creepy smile)

So that is it for this week.  I really do have to say how thankful I am of all the support I’ve been getting.  From my wife, to my family, to my co-workers, to my boss, to my classmates, to random strangers that saw it on Facebook.  Everyone has been so cool and have given me everything from helpful hints to cds to run to.  Pretty neat.  I, personally, think they are doing it because they think it’s like talking to someone who is on death row.  They better be nice now because I won’t be around for much longer.  DEAD MAN WALKING.

This was a story about a marathon runner, right?

I’m going to do a huge music post next week listing all the cool music people have recommended.  It’s pretty neat.  Of course, I’m still mainly running to the Pretty Woman soundtrack. but that’s me, I’m a different kind of guy….


In The Homestretch. What’s That? I Still Have 1 Month and 3 Weeks Left?? Noooooo!



Remember when I said I have to update this more often.  Guess what interferes with updating my blog about running?  Give up?  If you guessed running and running related injuries effect updating my blog you would be CORRECT.

Enough negativity this is all about moving forward  Forward motion.  Getting ahead.  Damn.  That all relates to running.  I can’t stop it.  Running is around every corner.  I think about it when I wake up.  I think about it when I go to bed.  I dream about it when I’m asleep at work.  I mean, I think about it when I’m hard at work.  Basically, I’m 100% obsessed. I’m fully obsessed just like Richard Dreyfuss was when he made a mountain out of mashed potatoes in Close Encounters of the Third Kind or when Glenn Close couldn’t stop thinking about Michael Douglas in Fatal Attractions.  (Personally, I think they should have wound up together.  Her passion impressed me). (Hey guys,  I just realized I’ve brought up two movies that are more than 20 yrs old.  Going to try to drop in a Harry Potter reference soon to cleanse myself.)

"Ryan, my movie is almost as horrible as your running style." -Beyonce Knowles

I haven’t felt this way since the summer of ’92 when Michelle Pheiffer played Catwoman in the historical movie Batman Returns (Darn, old movie again).  It was something in how she wore the leather outfit that stirred my 14 yr old loins….

"Ryan, It creeps me out when you write about me and your "loins". Also, you suck at running. P.S.-Remember to put baby powder on your legs so you don't chafe"-Michelle Pheiffer

We have a little more than a month and a half to go.  It seems so close but still so far away. Everything is getting more intense and time-consuming. Preventing injuries and fighting fatigue are coming into play a lot.  It’s pretty hard to train for this, work a full-time job, stay married, keep a girlfriend on the side, go to auditions, train for my space mission, perform in improv shows, rehearsals, acting class, cure (some) venereal diseases, do chores, record my first album with Kanye West and Jay Z (Watch the Throne, in stores now) and keep up friendships.  Here’s a fun game.  I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve made up a couple of the activities listed above.  Whoever guesses correctly will win a pair of my old headphones that I’ve sweated so hard in that the sound goes in and out.  COLLECTORS ITEM!!! It makes it fun on long runs to have a song that you love fade abruptly every 10 seconds.  I guess I’ll never know the full lyric for Jay Z’s 99 Problems.  “I’ve got 99 problems but a ???? ain’t one. He could be saying anything in there.  My best guess is he’s saying “career.”  Who knows.

"Whenever I need a laugh I think about Ryan training for a marathon." -Jay Z

In my last post I had just run my first 11 miler.  We established how fun that was.  In the last two weeks I have run two half marathons and this past Saturday I ran my first 16 miler.  Editors note: when I say run realize that I do walk 5 seconds here or there.  It helps with my old man aches and pains.  Also, my training book says it is smart to slow down every now and then so you don’t burn yourself out completely early on.  So just leave me alone about it. IF I CHOOSE TO WALK HERE AND THERE LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEE.

My wife took this photo of me after my 16 mile run on Saturday. I'm as shocked as you are at how feminine I look.

Before the half marathons a couple of weeks ago I went to the great city of Chicago to visit my good friends from high school, Dusty and Amanda.  It was a blast.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  I ate and drank like a king…with an eating/drinking problem.  I’m serious.  While I was there I ate 3 gyros. 2 burritos, 2 orders of cheese fries, chicken wings, fried mushrooms, cheesesticks, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers and a partridge in a pear tree.  I also consumed so many red bull and vodkas that I finally was able to fall asleep for the first time last night.

Red Bull give me wings..and heart palpitations. I'm going to see if they will be my sponsor for the marathon.

I went to many bars in the city but my favorite bar was an after hours joint that had some of the best artwork on the walls that I have ever seen.

Let's just say that I know what Tom Selleck has been doing with his time...

I even found time to run.  I did a 4 mile run  along the river.  The Chicago heat is no joke.  1 mile in I was sweating like Ryan training for a marathon.  The view was beautiful but most of the time what I saw was this…

Chicago has beautiful asphalt this time of year.

I had to keep looking down at the road to keep from passing out.

That run was hard but the trip was great overall.  Even found some time to do a little light shopping.  Chicago has amazing thrift stores.  I bought a bunch of record albums (INXS, The Cars, Hall and Oates, Rambo soundtrack) but I think I stumbled upon the greatest find of the century in a dimly lit sweaty thrift store.  That’s right.  I found an original mint condition 1983 plastic Mr. T head.

"I pity the fool that buys my plastic head...and is a poor marathon runner." -Mr. T

S0, yeah, I think the picture above proves that it was a pretty awesome trip.  I wish I had a camera on me the day that I bought it.  I got many priceless looks carrying around a Mr. T head on the streets of Chicago.

The bad news was that my body wasn’t used to the kind of drinking and eating that I did that weekend and by the time I got on the plane my legs blew up to the size of watermelons.  My legs are pretty big to begin with but they started to look like they were about to give birth to triplets.  I had cankles.  The whole bit.

Jon and Kate plus 8...plus Ryan's cankles.

I had to elevate my legs for 12 hours the Sunday I got back home but that Monday I was back to normal.  Back to normal meant back to running.  That Monday night I hit the road again and did my first half marathon.  It started by me locking my keys in my car.  I knew this boded well for my run.  I think all great athletes motivate themselves by locking their keys in the car.

"Damn, Ryan, you locked your keys in the car on your first half marathon run? It took me two years of hard training before I learned the "lock your keys in the car" trick."-Michael Phelps

The run itself was pretty hard.  2 minutes in my water belt that I run with fell off my body and I completely tripped over it.  It was shaping up to be a banner run.  The only thing I had going for me was that it was night-time so it was nice and cool. Also, by the cover of night it hid my panting and moaning from the other people on the trail.  For all they knew it was a ghost that was moaning and sweating at an extremely slow pace next to them.  I tried to zone out and meditate during the run but most of the time I was very present and aware of every minute that passed.  I wound up running it in 2:18:22 which is not horrible.  I was really glad to get it over with and under my belt.

Actual picture of me running on that fateful night. Yes, I know I can afford to lose a couple of pounds. Thank you!

The second half marathon I did was last Saturday.  I woke up at 6am and went out.  I was ready to rock and roll.  I figured if I did it once I can do it again and I would be faster  Everything would be smoother.  This time I did not lock my keys in the car and my water belt stayed snugly attached to my love handles.  Things were going good.  This run was actually harder but I chalk that up to the increased mileage for the week.  I had done 13.1 on Monday, 6 miles on Wednesday and 4 miles on Thursday.  By the time I got to Saturday my legs were really tired.  I ran this 13.1 miles slower at 2:27:18 which was a bummer but I finished.  I’m not out to break records here.  I save all the record-breaking for my real life.  Longest sleeper: ME.  Most TV Watched In One Year: ME.  So, yeah, I’ve got the record-breaking down.  I don’t need to show off in every aspect of my life.

They should rename this The Guinness Book of Ryan Records. YEAH!

One record that I did definitely break that day is the record for most chafing done on one’s thigh.  I broke the record like none other.  I guess it was around mile 8 that I realized I didn’t apply my runners glide cream to my thighs.  By mile 13 my thighs felt like two pieces of sandpaper rubbing together.

My chafing actually spells out "thank for not wearing runners glide, jackass" in braille!

You know what else I hate about running besides chafing my body parts?  I hate the people who you have to run by.  You know the people I’m talking about.  They walk in groups and they form a chain like they are the only people on the trail.  I even try to pant extra hard so they know that I’m coming but it never seems to matter.  They form a Great Wall of China.  A force so impenetrable that a hurricane couldn’t bust thru these gals.  I always have to clumsily veer left while they laugh about the new episode of Project Runway or some crap like that.  Hey guys, sorry, I realized I just sounded like my grandpa.  (BTW MY GRANDPA WAS AWESOME)

"Ryan, never challenge the force of THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS!!"

This week has been challenging as well.  I had to do 5 miles on Monday, 7 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday and 16 miles on Saturday.  I did the smaller run all at the gym late at night so I wouldn’t drown anyone from the massive tsunami of sweat the comes off my body.  It is super boring on the treadmill but I don’t run the risk of uneven pavement so it seems to be easier on my body.  I love going to the gym late at night.  It’s fascinating to see the people who come out of hiding at midnight.  It’s like a casting call for the music video Thriller.  I swear to god, I ran next to a bald man who wore a trench coat the other day.  A TRENCH COAT.  He was, also, faster than me.  (I bought a trench coat this weekend)

The new ad for my gym, 24 Hour Fitness.

This brings me to my 16 mile run I did yesterday. I decided to find a new place to run since I was tiring of the lady wall blockade and the homeless people by the 170 freeway trail.  I decided upon the Hollywood Lake area.  There is a trail that takes you around the Hollywood reservoir.  You even get to see the Hollywood sign. How perfect.

Hooray for Hollywood, Boo for Running.

I went walking a couple of months back with a friend there and it was really nice.  Let me stress, I went WALKING not running.  I woke up at 6am on Saturday morning and set off.  What I didn’t count on was the path itself.  It was all asphalt but cracked and uneven.  It hurt my knees, calf, and heels within the first mile and I still had 15 miles to go. I said a silent prayer and cranked up my jams and pushed thru. Each loop lasted about 4.5 miles so it beat the 170 freeway trail where each loop was .9 miles.  Mile 2 my calf felt like it was going to explode and I had to stop to stretch it.  I kept going.  Mile 5 my hips started acting up.  I kept going.  Miles 8 and 9 I became aware of my heels hitting the ground with excessive force.  Each step felt like I was stepping on a splinter.  I kept going.  By mile 12 I wanted nothing more than to give up.  I thought how crazy it was that I even wanted to run a marathon. What was I thinking?  The good news was that I ignored that and pushed past it.  I was going to finish no matter what.  I didn’t come out here to quit.  They would have to carry me out of here.  (which would be really cool since the hollywood sign would be in the background)  On mile 15 I was moving so slow that my body got a chill and I was kind of shivering.  I finally finished and dragged myself home.  I had bruised both heels, had some severe blisters and I pulled my calf.  Oh, and that’s right, one of my nipples finally showed signs of bleeding.  What a momentous occasion!!

My wife's a lucky lady. Oh, and yeah, I wear a size 12 so you know what that means.....HUGE BLISTERS!"

I don’t know why yesterday went so poorly. On a positive note, I finished and that is all I really want to do with the marathon but I think yesterday was extra rough because I psyched myself out a little bit.  All week I’ve been scared/excited about the 16 mile run.  I kept wondering what it would feel like and how would I run.  One thing that kinda freaked me out was that I read a passage of a book this week that kind of got inside my mind.  My boss got me a book called Born To Run by Christopher McDougall that is all about running and a hidden tribe of super athletes.  So far it is an excellent non fiction book but there was one part at the beginning of the book that stuck with me this week.  The author spends the first chapter talking about how horrible running is for your body.  He explains what running does to your body with a very visual image.  He says to picture two rocks. Now picture one rock hitting the other one.  Eventually the rocks will turn to dust.  This is what you do to your bones when you run.  GREAT.  What an awesome visual. I spent three hours on Saturday doing a 16 mile run where I visualized my bones turning to dust.  Every creek in my body was a cue that I was turning to ash. It scared the crap out of me.

The scariest book since The Exorcist.

So here I am.  One month and two 1/2 weeks until the marathon.  I’m struggling but I’m getting there and I will be running.  This means something to me.  I don’t know what it means exactly but it means something. I am going to complete this and I’ll let you know when I found out what that something is.

Life is good.


Next week you will all (three people who read this blog plus everyone else that doesn’t) will receive an email asking for donations for St. Jude’s Hospital.  I’m running to raise money for them.  It is a great cause.  I was going to send out the email last week but I figured this whole debt ceiling thing might have really freaked out people.  But since our President says our country is strong again (ha) I will be sending out the email.

"I run the country better than you run a mile! I, also, run a mile better than you run a mile."-B.Obama

Also, stay tuned for next week for my information on my new favorite tv show, a cute video of my dog, a new diet my wife is making me try (vegan) and a huge list of new music I’m running to.  Sent out a facebook please for new music and got some great suggestions!


A lot of the same ol same ol but I added a new album to the mix.  Jay Z and Kanye West came out with an album called Watch The Throne that I’ve been listening to a lot.  You know an album is good when it has the word THRONE in the title.  How much swagger do you must have to compare yourself to a king.  I find it awesome and hysterically funny.  The album is great itself.  The production and sampling is very smooth and inventive.  Great stuff to listen to.

I kid you not. This is the album cover for Watch The Throne. When I first saw this I thought it was a piece of Donald Trumps house.

These are the lyrics to their song called Lift Off with guest vocals by Beyoncé.  Shakespeare better watch his back!!

Jay-Z x Kanye West – Lift Off Lyrics

(All engines running)


We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars

[Kanye West]

(Lift off)
Lift off, takin’ my coat off
Showin’ my tattoos, I’m such a showoff (Huh?)
I feel the pain and then rolled off
I got the whole city, they about to go off
How many niggas wit’ me up in this bitch?
How many people wanna roll with me now? Like you know na na na, you know me by now
Know me, know me by now

We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars
(Lift off, ahh, ahh)

Like you know na na na, you know me by now
Know me, know me by now
you know me know me by now
Know me, know me by now…


Lift off
Rappers hear watch the throne
They gon be pissed off
Earth is boring to em
Sh*t is making my d**k soft
When you Earnhart as me eventually you hit a big wall
5-4-3-2 we need fuel
Lift off

We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars

(20 seconds and counting)
(T-minus 15 seconds, guidance is internal)
(12, 11, 10, 9)
(Ignition sequence start)
(6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)
(Zero, all engine running)
(Lift off, we have a liftoff)

(We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars)
(We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars)
(How many people you know can take it this far?)
(Take it to the stars)
(How many people you know can take it this far?)
(Now we gon’, now we gon’, now we gon’…)




It’s been awhile.  Life has been super busy and on top of that I have decided to run a marathon.  I think the last time I wrote the longest I had run was 6 miles.  Oh, to be that young and carefree again.  6 miles is nothing.  I would kill (not people or animals) to run 6 miles again. 

"Heyyyyy. Ryan is totally losing his mind. Heyyyyyy.:" -(done in my best Fonzie imitation)

As I write this I have just completed my first 11 mile run.  I’m dehydrated, I feel high, exhausted and the movie The Matrix and the book Portrait of an Artist As A Young Man by James Joyce makes total sense to me.  So I think that should tell you that while I am keeping up with my training schedule I am slowly losing my mind.  Seriously, I think on mile 10 I solved this whole debt ceiling nonsense.

On mile 11 this is what everything around me started to look like. There was, also, many bald black men in trenchcoats that looked like Larry Fishburne. (I think that was a coincidence, though).

Ever since I've started running over 5 miles this book has read like a cheap Grisham novel.

July has been a fun month so far minus the running.  My mom came into town to celebrate her retirement and last week we went to Tahoe with a bunch of our good friends.  (Just so you know I’m writing this over a period of time and my energy is waning.  This will be a great social experiment.  I bet by the end of this post my sentences will look like this, “hdklajsdjljsldfjaljdfljlf” and it will make total sense to me and me alone.)

Since this post is so late coming out to you folks (all three of you) I’m just going to do a broad overview since my mind is not fully working now but I am determined to get this post out.  The good people demand my news!!

"Extra, extra, read all about it. Mentally challenged man tries to run a marathon."

About the running.  It just never seems to get any easier.  That is not true.  I mean that it never FEELS like it gets easier.  There has been definite progress but it’s hard to feel that way when I’m adding multiple miles to my training every week.  When I started this I couldn’t run more that two minutes without having to stop and have a coughing fit.  (thank you cigarettes ((i’m holding up my middle finger right now)) )  I’m now 7 months free of cigarettes but you can definitely feel the damage they have done to my lungs.  It takes me a good 2 miles to warm up breathing wise.  Up until that point I make sounds that shouldn’t come out of a human body. I wheeze so hard that people 2oo yards in front of me have looked behind them to see if someone was dying.  BTW-“I wheeze so hard…” should become a game like, “I wheeze so hard…that when I run thru a graveyard I wake the dead.”  Trust me this will catch on it will be the new “your mommas so fat ” jokes.

 It is cool that I can run 11 miles without stopping but every minute still seems like an eternity.  I will have the odd minute here and there that go by quick or if I heard a great song and the right time it goes by quick but other than that time moves SLOW.

Like sands thru the hourglass so our the runnings of Ryan.

 Three weeks ago my running program had me running 3 miles on Mond, 4 miles on Wed, 3 miles on Thurs and then 8 miles on Saturday.  Last week it was the same during the week but the Saturday run they increased by 2 miles to 10 miles.  This week Monday increased to 4 miles, Wed increased to 5 miles, Thursday increased to 4 miles and Saturday increased by 1 mile to 11 miles.  The grand total for this week 24 miles.  I don’t want to get all Sylvia Plath on you but it is depressing to realize I ran so much this week and it still is 2.2 miles from the actual mileage of a marathon.  But, I’m getting there, damnit, I’m getting there.

Thank God I'm not alive to read your blog, Ryan. That would have really depressed me.

 With all of this running you would think I would have lost weight but I’ve actually gained weight (20lbs) (KIDDING).  I’ve gained 2 or 3 pounds because I’ve had to adjust my eating to be able to get the energy for these runs.  I’ve pretty much been carb free for years but have had to back off that approach because I was feeling really sick during and after my runs when I was sticking to my diet.  I will admit that I have been taking advantage of my adjusted diet and have been eating everything under the sun that looks like bread.  I ran into an uncomfortable situation the other day when I tried to eat a man that looked like pita bread.  Very awkward for both of us.

"Hi, Ryan, remember me? It's your old friend, bread. I knew you couldn't stay away. I love you. Do you love me?"

My old body is full of aches and pains from the run.  My other new friend is a guy named Mr. Ben Gay.  He smells like menthol and is really hot and slimy.  The bottom of my left foot is permanently sore, two weeks ago I strained my right calf something fierce and have been trying my hardest to stretch as much as possible but it still hurts constantly.  On last Saturdays run it started acting up on mile 2 which was disconcerting knowing that I had 8 miles left.  And my nipples after todays run are so red that I’m thinking of applying for a job leading Santa’s sleigh.  Also, my hips hurt.  On todays run my left hip kept giving me a sharp pain on miles 5 thru 7 and then I got so numb that I just kept moving with no feeling at all.  Like a robot.  That is what the marathon has turned me into. A robot!!!  And not cool robots like Daft Punk but some crappy robot that was an extra in the prequels to Star Wars.

"Ryan, we could totally out run your sorry ass! HARDER, BETTER, FASTER, STRONGER Believe it!!!"

 I love that I pick the one goal that involves using my legs.  I’m an idiot!!  The biggest part on my body is my legs.  Well, there is one part of me that is bigger than my legs but this is a family blog.  Hey-O! (talking about my penis)  Seriously, I have huge legs and i should have thought twice before thinking that I wanted to run with my huge legs for 26.2 miles.  My thighs are big and my calves are HUGE!  I have Popeye calves.  They feel like cement and that is when I’m SITTING.  When I’m running they feel like something that is heavier than cement.  I have no idea what is heavier than cement right now but I’m sure it will come to me when I’m RUNNING!.  When I’m running all I dream of is not having legs.  What kind of sick person is envious of people without legs?  THIS GUY!!! (Pointing at myself)

"I'm Popeye the sailor man, and I'm really offended by that leg comment you just made."

 I have to find a new running path.  Lately I’ve been running at this park where Magnolia Blvd and the 170 meet but it’s getting old and the people that are always there are starting to bug me. There was the one dude the other day that, I swear to God, was following me.  He caught up to me and then tried to keep my pace.  I would slow down and he would slow down. I would speed up and he would speed up.  Finally, I resorted to the mature move of  just making sounds like I was annoyed at him but I was so out of breath already that it just sounded like I was gurgling.  I’m all man, all of the time.  But, seriously, don’t follow me.  This is a private journey that I don’t need to share with strange men in hoodies.  I should post a missed connections ad on Craigslist to tell him to stay away.  Then today I saw an old man brushing his teeth at the water fountain.  I appreciate cleanliness.  Ok, that’s not true but my wife does and this still grossed me out.  It’s a great feeling to be on mile 8 and then watch an old dude spit out a wad of crest toothpaste in front of me. 

Hey, I saw you the other day following me while I ran. You were wearing a gray hoodie and you severely creeped me out. Hope to not see you soon!

 Here’s something else I learned last week about the long runs.  STAY HYDRATED.  WARNING-THIS NEXT SENTENCE IS GROSS.  I ran ten miles this week and when I went home I peed what on the color scale is refered to as black.  I peed black.  I did not drink enough fluids unless I’m actually made of oil.  If this were true I’m pretty sure Bush would have tried to invade me a couple years back.  (totally getting political).  I drank a lot of water for the rest of the day and my pee got back to the normal color of pink that I’m used to.  Kidding.  It was opaque.

Black gold. Texas PEE!

Oh, and last but not least, I got my CA Drivers License this week!  Why, may you ask after living here for 10 yrs did I just get my driver’s license.  I think the obvious answer is that I’m a rebel and I live n the edge. Other popular answers are that I’m lazy and that Arizona pays me to still use their driver’s license for all the publicity I get for the state.  I found the DMV in Van Nuys to be filled with really nice and helpful people.  The only weird moment I had there was when I was waiting in line to take my picture.  There was a lady in front of me that took her picture and then their camera malfunctioned and I quickly yelled, “you broke the camera.”  She did not laugh.   She, also, would not let me cheat off her on the test. 

This was the only license picture that I could find that looks like mine.

 That’s all folks.  Glad to be blogging again.  It was a dark period but these posts help me keep my sense of humor about the whole experience….that I’ve CHOSEN to do.  Next week I’m going to set up the link to donate to St. Jude’s Hospital.  It is the charity I’m running for.  I will be sending it out to everyone I know along with the blog so I should probably get ready to have millions of people read this!!!!!  Or at least two more.  I think I can definitely get two more.  I think.  I would settle for one.  I can get one.  I think. 

As always I’m thankful for my wife, my dog, my friends and my family.  Life can be good if you let it and if you choose not to run a marathon.  So, please, whatever you take away from this blog take away this.  DON’T EVER RUN A MARATHON.  Walking can be fun too.  So can watching TV or reading magazines.  Try those first before attempting the running.

Here is the music I listened to today on my 11 mile run

‘Till I Collapse-Eminem
Ready For The Floor-Hot Chip
Get Innocuous-LCD Soundsytem
The New Workout Plan-Kanye West
Stacy’s Mom-Fountains of Wayne
Rock That Body-Black Eyed Peas
You Wanted A Hit-LCD Soundsystem
Otis-Kanye West and Jay Z
Radar-Britney Spears
Us Vs. Them-LCD Soundsystem
When Doves Cry-Prince
Here Comes The Rain-Eurythmics
I Need A Man-Eurythmics
Dude (Looks Like A Lady)-Aerosmith
F**ck All Night-Jay Z
Without Me-Eminem
The Other Side-Aerosmith
Hail To Whatever You-Rilo Kiley
If U Seek Amy-Britney Spears
I Hear Noises-Tegan and Sara

So, obviously, I ran as a teenage girl, as always.  I spent the first 15 mins listening to Howard Stern and I spent 5 minutes listening to my breathing.  My breathing was more entertaining than the music. See you next week!


Happy 7th Of July!!! Won’t You Celebrate With Me By Going On A Horrible Run??

Happy 7th of July!!!  Happy 7th of July!!  According to Sarah Palin today is the day our country seceded from Russia!!  She, also, says that this national holiday makes her realize that we should get out of Vietnam.  “Bring our boys home!”

I feel bad for that gun. The gun probably has to go home and take a long, hot shower to forget being fondled by Mrs. Palin.

I had a great holiday weekend if you don’t count running 12 miles in 100% heat.  I’ll get to the running later but for a second I want to take it back to Sunday night when I came face to face with my idol……John Oates!!!  That’s right, my friends and I celebrated our country’s independence by going to the hollywood bowl and seeing Hall and Oates!!!  Two of my favorite things (hall and oates and the hollywood bowl) together!!  I thought my head was going to explode.  I had to drink multiple bottles of wine just to remain somewhat stable….and to stop the horrible shakes I get when I stop drinking.  What’s that all about?  Addictions, right?  Who’s with me?

THE HOLLYWOOD BOWL!! If aliens come this will be where they land. Also, if you look closely you can totally see me. I'm about 8 rows back in a blue hat.

It became pretty obvious early on that most of the people weren’t there to see Hall and Oates but instead the hollywood bowl orchestra playing songs of patriotism.  This was the first act and then Hall and Oates were the second act.  So the majority of the crowd looked like the cast of Cocoon.  They were all drinking wine coolers, bald, and were all wearing some sort of patriotic clothing that made it look like the american flag threw up all over the crowd. 

This is exactly what most of the crowd looked like.....including the parrot.

We had a rowdy group of 10 or so.  We sat down and were immediately shhhh’d after we showed signs of having fun. All of the sudden the Hollywood Bowl turned into a funeral but a funeral that I couldn’t stop laughing at.  I couldn’t look at any of my friends or my wife in fear of busting out laughing and getting in further trouble with the dude in front of me who my friend dubbed “Stephen Hawking” or the dude behind me who my friend dubbed “Asperger Larry.”  No win situation.  I started twittering to remain calm and tried to write things to Oates to get his attention.  Things like this…

– At Hollywood Bowl @Oates I’m in section K2 and I’m not wearing any underpants!

-Fireworks at the hollywood bowl!!!  Hoping to create some fireworks of my own with @Oates later!!!

-I thought Louie Anderson was a unique looking guy.  Until I came to the Hollywood bowl…

-How fitting that Hall and Oates open with Maneater.  That’s what I’m going to do to you later @Oates

-Dude!  This may be the Zinfandel talking but I think @Oates just winked at me.

-I want to sew my wild @Oates tonight

-If this rendition of Sara Smiles is to be taken seriously this Sara girl is in a lot of danger.

-Hey, Section K2 at Hollywood Bowl.  Thanks for being uptight.  You win!  My pants are now back on.

As you can see, I run from uncomfortable situations by making horrible/creepy jokes on a social network.  Word to the wise, never confront me unless you want me to write on your facebook wall that I want to marry you once I become a woman/man. 

Coming this fall to NBC. HALL AND OATES. Two down on their luck detectives trying to clean up inner city crime. "Hey, I'm Officer Hall and this is my partner Oates. I would tell us where you hid the drugs. Oates hasn't taken his medicine today so I can't be responsible for what he might do to you."

Hall and Oates finally came out and we rocked out to their sweet, sweet sounds of Philadelphia soul that only two white men can produce.  Great concert.  By the end we had EVERYONE dancing.  Thank you Hall and Oates but especially you Oates.  I miss your mustache. 

If anyone ever stares at you this intensely…….RUN! (I love you, Oates)

 Now back to what this blog is about……BUNNIES!!  Kidding.  RUNNING!!  Another week, another week of feeling hatred coursing thru my veins in realizing what a poor choice I made to prove to myself that I can do anything.  Next time my goal is going to be to watch television for 48 hours straight or to see how many pickles I can eat in one sitting.  (i can eat 27)  Alas, my goal is a marathon.  Last week I did my first 5 mile run and it was pretty good.  This past Saturday was my first six mile run. During the week I ran my standard 3 miles on Monday, 4 miles on Wednesday and 3 miles on Thursday.  So my total mileage for the week was 16 miles.  Next week I will do 7 miles on Saturday and 3 miles, 5 miles, and 4 miles.  So many numbers. 

When I was on my sixth mile on Saturday this was what my vision was like. Also, this is what I believe the correct order of numbers should be.

The exciting part of last week was that last Sunday I visited a professional running store.  A couple of months ago I purchased a groupon for 50% off at a running store in Los Feliz called A Runner’s Circle. http://www.arunnerscircle.com/  It’s Los Feliz’s top specialty running store.  (Oh my gosh, think of all the free stuff I’m going to get with this advertisement I just gave them)  I found out about this amazing emporium thru the wonder that is GROUPON (www.groupon.com).  Groupon is an amazing service that you pay a certain amount of money for a product or service and you receive way more than the money you put in.  (hey, totally realizing as I write this that explaining how coupons work is not my strong suit).  So I paid 50 bucks for a 100 dollar gift certificate.  Eat your heart out, Lance Armstrong.  I DECLARE THE SUMMER OF 2011 THE YEAR OF THE GROUPON…..and the dragon. 

When I see the groupon logo it's like looking at a Playboy centerfold. I immediately get rumblings in my nether region. I'm so addicted I would probably buy manure if groupon offered it.

So I walked into the store and it was pretty nifty.  It had so many shoes and other running products lining the walls.  I know this isn’t PC to admit but I love things (possessions) so I immediately lit up at the thought of owning more gadgets for my wife to yell at me for not picking up.  I had a list of questions to ask the running experts that were working there.  Questions ranging from, “how do I handle storing water on my person while I’m running (Answer:running belt) to “what’s the deal with Casey Anthony and why is she such a LIARRRRR.” (Answer: the saleslady didn’t know her deal but trust me, folks, huge, horrible liar).  The saleslady was really nice even though I think she was kind of laughing at me after I explained that I’ve never run before and this was my first marathon.  I could be wrong but I detected a bit of “holy crap, dude. You aren’t going to survive this process.”

I was there to get a new pair of kicks (that’s what the kids call them, for laypeople we call them shoes).  This store was awesome because they take the scientific approach to fitting you for a shoe.  They make you stand on this electrical looking thing that resembled a weight scale.  Once you stepped on it it took a digital image of your foot and pinpointed how you stand and run.  The image of my foot appeared and no one said it but I think everyone in that room was an awe of my size 12’s.  It was like they were seeing Buddha for the first time.  I swear to God I heard a child tell his mom, “he’s arrived.  Our savior.”  After the saleslady nudged me back to consciousness she informed me that I had severely high, beautiful arches so I needed a shoe that could give me more stability.  She had me try on three different pairs of shoes.  Then she made me take each shoe out for a test run and she watched how I ran in each one.  I don’t know if this part was necessary and secretly I think she just wanted to watch me run to have a laugh.  I’m sure it’s easier for her to get thru her shift this way.  On my last shoe test run I ran past my wife and my new dog Brooklyn.  My wife shouted out to me, “Brooklyn just took a huge crap on the sidewalk and she didn’t eat it!”  For those new to the blog read last weeks post or just trust me when I say that my dog has a problem but I’m happy to inform everyone that it’s been almost three weeks since any poop eating.  We are very proud of her and we think the intervention helped immensely.  Look for us on the new season of Intervention on A & E. 

Instead of the human hand picture a little doggie paw. "Thank you, Intervention, for stopping our dog from eating her poop!"

But I digress, the shoes that felt the best and seemed like they were going to give my large frame the most support was a brand called Mizuno.  Up to this point I’ve only used Payless shoes (shop for less) so the sheer shininess of the shoes made it look like the holy grail to me. http://www.mizunousa.com/running

"Ryan, I look forward to all of our many adventures together. Please wear socks at all times because your skin is gross."

So I had my running shoes but now I needed to get other junk that I had read about.  First stop, running belts.  Now I was wondering how I was supposed to rehydrate during my runs.  They say every 30 mins you need to make sure you drink fluids or eat a gel (more on this in a sec) to replenish all of the fluids and energy your body is losing.  You had me at drink and eat.  I was willing to buy any kind of belt to make this happen.  Plus, and this is a huge plus, Batman has a utility belt so this would be like my utility belt which puts me one step closer to being the superhero that I know I am.  We settled on a four holster belt which included four water bottle thingys that you can fill up with your beverage of choice.  Normally, I would fill it up with Diet Cherry Coke but for purposes of exercise the sales lady and my running book suggests water (H20) or a sports beverage like Gatorade.  I was hoping she would have told me Red Bull was acceptable since I hear that it give you wings (trademarked).  The utility belt, also, has a pouch to put in those smoke caplets that Batman always has that he throws down to make himself disappear in a cloud of smoke.  Once again the sales lady and my running book severely disappointed me by not making any suggestion of smoke caplets but instead suggested that I use the pouch for what athletes call “gel.”

I've never thought a man's midsection was sexy, but, come on, this is amazing. When I work out this is the goal, to be all cut up with black plastic skin and a gold belt.Give you a hint.

“Energy gel is a gel with a very thick consistency and it provides carbohydrates to the body. Running is a high intensity activity. The body uses a combination of proteins, carbohydrates and fats to burn energy. However, carbohydrates are the most efficient form of fuel available to burn. Carbohydrates are nothing but sugar and they store and transport energy. If the body runs low on carbohydrates, runners commonly experience.”  So that is pretty much what energy gel is.  It helps fuel your body up during the run.  I bought a bunch of these and in different flavors like sour apple, vanilla and even mocha (yum).  The lady didn’t find it funny when I asked for vodka flavor.  My last impulse buy were running socks but not just any running socks.  These were ultra thin socks that are all sleek and sexy and prevent blisters and foot sweat.  Yeah, so I pretty much purchased MAGIC SOCKS!!!!

Ok.  So before I get to how my first six mile run went with all of my new toys I will tell you the music I listened to this week AND the new iPhone application that is saving my life.

The app is called jog.fm.  It’s only 99 cents from the itunes app store and it is my new best friend. This is the description given on the website for their product. My thoughts are in parenthesis.  www.jog.fm

“Studies have shown that listening to music during exercise works wonders on the mind and body. (I TOTALLY AGREE) Not only can it improve results by acting as a motivational tool AND as a distraction from fatigue, but it can help improve lung function and it might even make you smarter. (WHOA!!!  IF THIS IS TRUE WE ARE LIVING IN A GOLDEN AGE)

jog.fm is the best place to find workout songs and exercise playlists. (SIGN ME UP!!)

Whether you want to find music that matches your pace, or if you’re just looking for good music to work out to, jog.fm is for you.  (YES AND YES)

Looking for running music? Got that. (YES!)  Looking for cycling songs?  (NO!) Spinning music? Got those.  (DON’T CARE)  Need some great walking music? We’ve got that, too.  (OK CALM DOWN.  I GET IT)

jog.fm has the best workout music for every kind of exercise”  (I JUST NEED RUNNING MUSIC.  LEAVE ME ALONE)

Basically, all I do is have this app scan my itunes library and then I punch in what I want my per mile pace to be and then it GIVES ME SONGS AT THAT RUNNING PACE!!!!  Holy crap.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS?  Pretty much just that it keeps my songs at the same pace I’m running but still….this is huge.  There is even a button on it that if you are feeling your energy waning and your pace slowing you can hit a turbo boost button and it will automatically hit you with a high energy song.  You can, also, mark favorite songs that you can punch up in your time of need. 

THE BESTEST THING THAT HAS EVER BEEN INVENTED (besides that thing that cured polio....and the double decker chicken sandwich at KFC)

So I had this app and my new running toys to test out on my first six mile run this past Saturday.  I got to the park around 7:30am with my utility belt around my waist, my new socks on underneath my new shoes and my new app ready to play music at the pace I set. 

Give you a hint. This isn't Batman. It's me....and my belt!!!!

 I started running.  Now I don’t know what I was thinking but in my head I was picturing that with the new shoes I would feel like I was floating on air.  I figured the shoes were going to do most of the work and I would just look at the pretty trees and the homeless people sleeping underneath them.  I learned early on that this was not the case at all.  It was immediately hard. Not the hardest it’s ever been but let’s face facts, it was still running and say it with me, running sucks.  The only awesome thing was the app was really cool and I really enjoyed finding out what musical nuggets this app was going to surprise me with next. 

This is what I ran to.  (some of these songs I listened to partially before I skipped to the next)

Warmup song

Grapevine Fires-Death Cab For Cutie

Running songs


Sexy B*tch-David Guetts

White America-Eminem

Karma Police-Radiohead

Juicebox-The Strokes

In Bloom-Nirvana

I’m Down-Aerosmith

Go-Pearl Jam

Fight Test-The Flaming Lips

Rosalita-Bruce Springsteen

That’s My DJ-Girl Talk


Block Rockin Beats-Chemical Brothers

Living Room-Tegan and Sara

Pain-Jimmy Eat World

Planet Telex-Radiohead

Power (Remix)-Kanye West feat Jay Z

 So I was averaging about a 9 minute 10 second pace for the first 3 miles.  Now when I hit the 30 minute mark the lady from the running store said this would be a good time to pop my first runners gel.  I was really looking forward to this and thought it would immediately give me a huge energy boost.  I asked the lady if they recommended runners stop to take the gel. 

One day all of our food will be in gel form. I hope I will not be around on that day.

 She said no that you should take it while you run.  So at 30 minutes I popped the sour apple runners gel and was terrifyingly shocked at how warm and gross it was.  My body was so ready for something amazing that I almost lost my cookies when I realized this was the opposite of amazing.  I quickly went down to my utility belt to get some water to wash the warm goo out of my mouth.  I did this all as I continued to run.  There was a team of young kids in karate outfits in the park that day and as I ran past them they all just stared at me as I did the “I’ve got horrible warm runners goo in my mouth” dance.  There was no way I could salvage the moment to make myself look cool in front of these 7 yr old karate kids.  I made a mental note to wear a black belt on next weeks run so they would know not to make fun of me.  If the belt doesn’t work I’m going to tell my mom and then those kids will really be in trouble. 

I should get this bandana to run in.

I continued on my journey.  The goo didn’t give me immediate energy but it did let me continue at a pace that was getting a little slower.  After 5 miles I was feeling pretty low energy but pushed to finish the 6th mile.  The last mile I had to slow way down which brought my per mile average way down.  I ended up with 6 miles in 59:32.  Not great but not horrible and I never stopped to walk. EVER.  Not even with the goo episode.  I was proud of myself. 

That is all for this week.  Come back next week to hear how this blog has brought people closer together.  My close friend Andrew Wantuck said this about the blog, “blah blah blah running is hard boo hoo hoo give me songs to listen to boo hoo ho my dog eats poop.”  So, as you can see, I’m really touching people with my story.  Thanks!  (please send me songs to run to)


BORN TO RUN!!!! (but mainly to sleep, eat, and watch tv/movies on a big screen, preferably)

June 27, 2011

Ok. Let’s get back into it. Haven’t posted in a while because the last two weeks have been crazy and running wise I’ve stayed at the same pace and mileage….and because I was trying to catch up on watching all the crap tv I’ve managed to record on my TIVO.

This is totally unrealistic. The tivo needs to be plugged into a power source for it to work.

I’m currently at 71 % capacity on my digital video recorder and my goal this summer is to get it down to 50%…..my other goal is to run a marathon. (Seriously, though, I get stressed out when my DVR gets close to full. I think I’m watching tv out of obligation to my TIVO now and not because I enjoy it but I will save that topic for my therapist/life coach. Also, the new Paris Hilton show is hysterical. If you want to watch someone who is vapid, snotty, and rich, The World According to Paris is the show for you!)

We pick up our story where we left off. I had just gotten a dog name Brooklyn and my wife and I were settling down into wedded bliss with our new family unit.

Ryan, your blog is boringgggggggggg. Zzzzzzzzzz

 Everything was going perfect UNTIL I was awoken on a Sunday morning to the sounds of my wife screaming.  This in itself wasn’t weird.  I’m used to yelling.  My initial thought was that I was getting yelled at for not picking up something from the night before.  I realized that wasn’t the case because she would have been directly in my face yelling and this yelling was coming from the living room.  I yelled out. “What’s wrong?”  My hand to God my wife says, “Your daughter just ate her shit.”  Now I’ve woken up to some weird stuff before.  I’ve woken up in a strangers truck once, in a pool on a raft, and numerous occasions where there have been piles of taco bell and jack in the box wrappers all over my person…..and I had no clue HOW THEY WOUND UP THERE. (that’s a lie.  I bought them at a drive thru)  Nothing had prepared me for what I just heard.  It was pandemonium.  I was immediately imagining two scenarios.  1) Brooklyn sat down for a four course meal with the last course being her poop  2) My wife force-fed our dog poop.  Both of these images disturbed me more than you can possibly imagine.  By process of elimination I ruled out number 2.  There is NO way my wife would feed anyone poop.  She doesn’t like poop.  We’ve been together for numerous years and this was one of the first things I learned about her.  So this leaves number one.  Now there is no way that our precious Brooklyn, the light of our life, would eat her own excrement.  My wife explained to me that Brooklyn pooped in the living room and as Annmarie went to grab her Brooklyn ate a piece on the sly.  Now just to give you a little background about my wife.  She is a germaphobe. That’s right.  A talented, funny, beautiful germaphobe.  Annmarie was beside herself .  It was almost like she went into a fugue state and Annmarie had left us and in her place Tony Soprano came out and Tony Soprano was FURIOUS that a dog ate poop. 

You’ll eat your poop over my dead body! Also, sorry about the final episode of my show.”

 I heard phrases like “I can’t be with someone who eats their shit”(she said the same thing to me when we first started dating.  Hey-o!) and something to the effect of Brooklyn being a “monster.  We can’t have her around people.  Ever.”  This was horrible. I was picturing a future of leaving functions early and running to check if Brooklyn was in our house feasting on feces.  I had to think fast.  What do I do?  I needed to get Annmarie out of the situation.  I quickly told her “leave. you have to leave right now and pull yourself together.”  I then frantically searched the internet looking for answers.  I was determined to find a cure.  I found out that this is a common occurrence with dogs.  There’s even a fancy name for it.  It’s called coprophagy and the standard definition according to Webster’s is “feeding on dung.”  Fancy name and an even fancier description!!

Our dog is much cuter than this dog but our dog can’t spell and make signs so i had to use this picture.

Our dog came from a rescue and all I could imagine was poor Brooklyn fighting for food and having to give up and eventually eat her own poop because she was starving, ya know?  (I picture my dog coming from a scenario not unlike The Shawhank Redemption.  “Get busy living or get busy dying.”

“When I break out of this animal shelter the first think I’m going to do is to continue to eat my poop!”

Basically, dogs don’t know it’s wrong to eat their own poop.  That’s where we come in.  For the last two weeks we have gone on a NO EATING POOP campaign with Brooklyn.  We read that if you put a little pineapple in their food it makes their feces disgusting to the taste buds.  I would have thought the feces itself makes it disgusting to the taste buds but I guess the pineapple puts it over the edge and make it really taste disgusting.  We. also, got these doctor prescribed pills that do sorta the same thing.  Yes, Brooklyn has a doctor and yes, my dog has now seen a doctor more times than I have this year.  That pretty much ends the dog pooping saga for now.  She has not eaten any poop for the last two weeks. We are very proud of her.  Next think we have to do is to get her to quit smoking…..

That was two weeks ago and then last week I went home to Arizona to take care of some family business.  It was a real pleasure to be around my family.  I got to hang out with my niece and nephew, hang out with my mom, my dad and my sister and her husband.  It was good times.  I got to check out where my parents are retiring.  They are building a beautiful home in Gilbert, Arizona.  They even took us to the country club they are going to join  Now, this last part was shocking because I never thought of my parents as country club type people.  I don’t think of myself as a country club type person but I will be damned if the moment I didn’t walk into that country club I totally turned into a country club person.  They had all these swimming pools.  One even had a huge slide.  They had a workout room and an actual outside bar with frozen margaritas!!!  I immediately started reenacting scenes from Caddyshack.  I don’t think the staff took to kindly to me doing my gopher imitation and tearing up huge chunks of their golf course.  Anyways, I can’t wait for my parents to fully retire so I can quit my job and retire with them. 

I DESERVE A LIFE OF PAMPERED LUXURY!!! (I bet this gopher doesn’t eat it’s own poop)

I, also, got the honor of taking my niece and nephew to they toy store.  This was probably one of the most intense experiences of my life.  Two kids, one toys r us.  I think we spent two hours in the store.  Addison (my niece) had never been in a toy store before so she was in such sensory overload I thought she was going to explode.  For real, I think we might have damaged the poor girl that day.  She seemed alright at first and then hours later she cried for two straight hours.  Anyways, they each got to pick out toys for their birthday.  This activity entailed them having to pick up EVERY toy in the store, shaking said toy, and then flinging it to the ground in disgust.  I, at one point, pointed out a Justin Bieber doll to my nephew joking around and he ended up falling in love with the toy and wanting it.  My sister was horrified and immediately hid the doll and then threw a piece of candy to distract him.  Addison settled on a purple play castle and sunglasses and Connor got two light sabers.  One that lit up and made sounds and one that just lit up.  I mean, come on, he needed TWO.  You can’t only have just one.  How are you going to rule the empire with just one lightsaber?  I mean, come on, let’s not be ridiculous.  My nephew has to put his best foot forward in life and that includes TWO LIGHTSABERS.  So just back off already.  Geezzzzzz.  BTW-Connor asked for the Justin Bieber doll five more times that weekend.

Two parts of an eventual supergroup! (I tried to convince my nephew that this was the real Justin Bieber and that he was really a cardboard cutout)

So I’m sure you are saying, “Ryan, between the dog, your wife, and your family and keeping up your incredible good looks, how do you find time to train for a marathon?”  Well, I’ll tell you.  I have the drive of 2 small men in my large body.  I’m focused like a sloppy laser.  I have the precision of a ’76 Gremlin.  What I’m trying to say is that I’m great.  I’m destined for greatness.  Not unlike Franklin D. Roosevelt, who ran this country but found the time to have afternoon drinks every day at 5pm…and to keep Eleanor Roosevelt happy while juggling 3 or 4 mistresses on the side.  He, was, also, in a wheelchair.  (Editors Notes- I’m on thera flu right now.  I have a summer cold.  I have no idea how I got onto the subject of FDR so just go with me.  Thanks!)  I do my best work when I have lots of balls in the air (stop right their, sicko!)

 This past week was the big week.  The week that I finally went up in mileage.  The longest I had run up to this point was 4.5 miles.  According to my Non-Runners Marathon Trainer book it says I had to run four times this past week.  The first day was 3 miles, second day four miles, third day three miles and the fourth day was supposed to be five miles.  Now I did the first three days of running and I have to tell you I was running slow.  Very weak.  My per mile average was slower than usual.  I was beginning to get worried and a little scared about running 4 miles let alone a full marathon.  The weekend before at my parents I was killing it on their treadmill but last week.  Totally week.  I did what the book said and took a day off before my 5 mile run.  I woke up this past Saturday and felt like crap.  Had a cold.  Couldn’t breathe thru my nose at all.  Even tried to use my netty pot.  (Hey, I’m old, I use a netty pot!!!!)

Sorry, ladies, I’m taken.

My nose was so stuffed up the water couldn’t even go through the other nostril.  (wow.  i just grossed myself out).  My runners book says that no matter how you feel you have to run.  NO MATTER WHAT.  What happens if you wake up the day of the marathon and you don’t feel good.  You still have to run.  So I dragged myself out of bed, drank some gatorade and went to a park by the 17o freeway that I saw this past week that looked nice.  I was right.  It was nice.  I started running.  At first it sucked but then I realized my legs weren’t tired and that it felt good to be out there running.  The time was going faster than it usually does.  I hate to say this but I think that there was at least three to four minutes that I actually enjoyed myself.  I enjoyed the motion of my body, trying to control my breath, recognizing when I was going thru a rough patch and letting myself feel that way and then getting to a point where I felt good again.  I WAS RUNNING!!

“What’s my destiny, Mama?” You are going to be a weirdo for most of your life, you will have a dog that eats her own poop, and you will eventually run a marathon.

It felt like a challenge but for the first time a challenge that I was up to.  I ran at a consistent pace of 9 minutes and 30 seconds.  Each mile I ran a little faster than before.  I finished with a little energy left and so happy that the training seems to be paying off. 

I then immediately went home.  What was left of my immune system vanished and I got a full blown cold!  I didn’t care though.  It was the first time that I thought that I was going to accomplish this. I have a long road ahead but this week was a great step in the right direction.

I will post this weekend about my visit to the running store, a new running ap I got on my iphone that changed my life this week, and my reaction to the Tony Award Winning musical The Book Of Mormon.  Total cliffhanger. Great times!

“I can’t wait for Ryan’s next blog post. Also, don’t see my last movie The Expendables. It’s horrible.”

Music I ran to over the last two weeks.  I made a mega mix.

 Set It Off-Girl TalkCameras-Matt & Kim (such a great, fun band.  Check them out)Imitation of Life-R.E.M.Believe In Sexual Eruption-BootieJust Tonight-Jimmy Eat WorldCan I Get A..-Jay ZIf U Seek Amy-Britney SpearsGive Me A Beat-Girl TalkCloser-Nine Inch NailsFrom Above-Ben FoldsDANCE-JusticeFight Test-The Flaming LipsEinstein On The Beach-Counting CrowsShut The Club Down-Girl TalkDude Looks Like A Lady-AerosmithIn Step-Girl TalkRush-Big Audio DyanmiteGet Innocuous!-LCD SoundsystemWithout Me-EminemWe R Who We R- Ke$haPlay Your Part-Girl TalkHeart-Shaped Box-NiranaJesus Walks-Kanye WestAnimal-Pearl JamBad Idea-Ben Folds FiveFastlove-George MichaelPicture Window-Ben FoldsSay My Name-Destiny’s ChildBig Pimpin-Jay ZGood Life-Kanye WestRight Now-Van HalenMy Name Is Jonas-WeezerWish-Nine Inch NailsThis Is A Call-Foo FightersBoom Boom Pow-Black Eyed PeasRadio Nowhere-Bruce SpringsteenShadow Stabbing-CakeI’m Not Over-Carolina LiarDa Funk-Daft PunkBootylicious-Destiny’s ChildWhat A Fool Believes-The Doobie BrothersGangster Tripping-Fatboy SlimIzzo-Jay ZThe Middle-Jimmy Eat WorldStronger-Kanye WestBorn This Way-Lady GagaUs Vs. Them-LCD SoundsystemCheck It Out-Nikki MinajB.O.B.-OutkastLittle Secrets-Passion Pit1901-PhoenixDelirious-PrinceWhat’s The Frequency, Kenneth?-RE<Electioneering-RadioheadPictures of Success-Rilo KileyDyanamite-Taio CrazyAnd Darling-Tegan & SaraShake A Fist-Hot ChipKeep On Knocking-The CarsPhilosophy-Ben Folds Five