June 27, 2011
Ok. Let’s get back into it. Haven’t posted in a while because the last two weeks have been crazy and running wise I’ve stayed at the same pace and mileage….and because I was trying to catch up on watching all the crap tv I’ve managed to record on my TIVO.
This is totally unrealistic. The tivo needs to be plugged into a power source for it to work.
I’m currently at 71 % capacity on my digital video recorder and my goal this summer is to get it down to 50%…..my other goal is to run a marathon. (Seriously, though, I get stressed out when my DVR gets close to full. I think I’m watching tv out of obligation to my TIVO now and not because I enjoy it but I will save that topic for my therapist/life coach. Also, the new Paris Hilton show is hysterical. If you want to watch someone who is vapid, snotty, and rich, The World According to Paris is the show for you!)
We pick up our story where we left off. I had just gotten a dog name Brooklyn and my wife and I were settling down into wedded bliss with our new family unit.
Ryan, your blog is boringgggggggggg. Zzzzzzzzzz
Everything was going perfect UNTIL I was awoken on a Sunday morning to the sounds of my wife screaming. This in itself wasn’t weird. I’m used to yelling. My initial thought was that I was getting yelled at for not picking up something from the night before. I realized that wasn’t the case because she would have been directly in my face yelling and this yelling was coming from the living room. I yelled out. “What’s wrong?” My hand to God my wife says, “Your daughter just ate her shit.” Now I’ve woken up to some weird stuff before. I’ve woken up in a strangers truck once, in a pool on a raft, and numerous occasions where there have been piles of taco bell and jack in the box wrappers all over my person…..and I had no clue HOW THEY WOUND UP THERE. (that’s a lie. I bought them at a drive thru) Nothing had prepared me for what I just heard. It was pandemonium. I was immediately imagining two scenarios. 1) Brooklyn sat down for a four course meal with the last course being her poop 2) My wife force-fed our dog poop. Both of these images disturbed me more than you can possibly imagine. By process of elimination I ruled out number 2. There is NO way my wife would feed anyone poop. She doesn’t like poop. We’ve been together for numerous years and this was one of the first things I learned about her. So this leaves number one. Now there is no way that our precious Brooklyn, the light of our life, would eat her own excrement. My wife explained to me that Brooklyn pooped in the living room and as Annmarie went to grab her Brooklyn ate a piece on the sly. Now just to give you a little background about my wife. She is a germaphobe. That’s right. A talented, funny, beautiful germaphobe. Annmarie was beside herself . It was almost like she went into a fugue state and Annmarie had left us and in her place Tony Soprano came out and Tony Soprano was FURIOUS that a dog ate poop.
You’ll eat your poop over my dead body! Also, sorry about the final episode of my show.”
I heard phrases like “I can’t be with someone who eats their shit”(she said the same thing to me when we first started dating. Hey-o!) and something to the effect of Brooklyn being a “monster. We can’t have her around people. Ever.” This was horrible. I was picturing a future of leaving functions early and running to check if Brooklyn was in our house feasting on feces. I had to think fast. What do I do? I needed to get Annmarie out of the situation. I quickly told her “leave. you have to leave right now and pull yourself together.” I then frantically searched the internet looking for answers. I was determined to find a cure. I found out that this is a common occurrence with dogs. There’s even a fancy name for it. It’s called coprophagy and the standard definition according to Webster’s is “feeding on dung.” Fancy name and an even fancier description!!
Our dog is much cuter than this dog but our dog can’t spell and make signs so i had to use this picture.
Our dog came from a rescue and all I could imagine was poor Brooklyn fighting for food and having to give up and eventually eat her own poop because she was starving, ya know? (I picture my dog coming from a scenario not unlike The Shawhank Redemption. “Get busy living or get busy dying.”
“When I break out of this animal shelter the first think I’m going to do is to continue to eat my poop!”
Basically, dogs don’t know it’s wrong to eat their own poop. That’s where we come in. For the last two weeks we have gone on a NO EATING POOP campaign with Brooklyn. We read that if you put a little pineapple in their food it makes their feces disgusting to the taste buds. I would have thought the feces itself makes it disgusting to the taste buds but I guess the pineapple puts it over the edge and make it really taste disgusting. We. also, got these doctor prescribed pills that do sorta the same thing. Yes, Brooklyn has a doctor and yes, my dog has now seen a doctor more times than I have this year. That pretty much ends the dog pooping saga for now. She has not eaten any poop for the last two weeks. We are very proud of her. Next think we have to do is to get her to quit smoking…..
That was two weeks ago and then last week I went home to Arizona to take care of some family business. It was a real pleasure to be around my family. I got to hang out with my niece and nephew, hang out with my mom, my dad and my sister and her husband. It was good times. I got to check out where my parents are retiring. They are building a beautiful home in Gilbert, Arizona. They even took us to the country club they are going to join Now, this last part was shocking because I never thought of my parents as country club type people. I don’t think of myself as a country club type person but I will be damned if the moment I didn’t walk into that country club I totally turned into a country club person. They had all these swimming pools. One even had a huge slide. They had a workout room and an actual outside bar with frozen margaritas!!! I immediately started reenacting scenes from Caddyshack. I don’t think the staff took to kindly to me doing my gopher imitation and tearing up huge chunks of their golf course. Anyways, I can’t wait for my parents to fully retire so I can quit my job and retire with them.
I DESERVE A LIFE OF PAMPERED LUXURY!!! (I bet this gopher doesn’t eat it’s own poop)
I, also, got the honor of taking my niece and nephew to they toy store. This was probably one of the most intense experiences of my life. Two kids, one toys r us. I think we spent two hours in the store. Addison (my niece) had never been in a toy store before so she was in such sensory overload I thought she was going to explode. For real, I think we might have damaged the poor girl that day. She seemed alright at first and then hours later she cried for two straight hours. Anyways, they each got to pick out toys for their birthday. This activity entailed them having to pick up EVERY toy in the store, shaking said toy, and then flinging it to the ground in disgust. I, at one point, pointed out a Justin Bieber doll to my nephew joking around and he ended up falling in love with the toy and wanting it. My sister was horrified and immediately hid the doll and then threw a piece of candy to distract him. Addison settled on a purple play castle and sunglasses and Connor got two light sabers. One that lit up and made sounds and one that just lit up. I mean, come on, he needed TWO. You can’t only have just one. How are you going to rule the empire with just one lightsaber? I mean, come on, let’s not be ridiculous. My nephew has to put his best foot forward in life and that includes TWO LIGHTSABERS. So just back off already. Geezzzzzz. BTW-Connor asked for the Justin Bieber doll five more times that weekend.
Two parts of an eventual supergroup! (I tried to convince my nephew that this was the real Justin Bieber and that he was really a cardboard cutout)
So I’m sure you are saying, “Ryan, between the dog, your wife, and your family and keeping up your incredible good looks, how do you find time to train for a marathon?” Well, I’ll tell you. I have the drive of 2 small men in my large body. I’m focused like a sloppy laser. I have the precision of a ’76 Gremlin. What I’m trying to say is that I’m great. I’m destined for greatness. Not unlike Franklin D. Roosevelt, who ran this country but found the time to have afternoon drinks every day at 5pm…and to keep Eleanor Roosevelt happy while juggling 3 or 4 mistresses on the side. He, was, also, in a wheelchair. (Editors Notes- I’m on thera flu right now. I have a summer cold. I have no idea how I got onto the subject of FDR so just go with me. Thanks!) I do my best work when I have lots of balls in the air (stop right their, sicko!)
This past week was the big week. The week that I finally went up in mileage. The longest I had run up to this point was 4.5 miles. According to my Non-Runners Marathon Trainer book it says I had to run four times this past week. The first day was 3 miles, second day four miles, third day three miles and the fourth day was supposed to be five miles. Now I did the first three days of running and I have to tell you I was running slow. Very weak. My per mile average was slower than usual. I was beginning to get worried and a little scared about running 4 miles let alone a full marathon. The weekend before at my parents I was killing it on their treadmill but last week. Totally week. I did what the book said and took a day off before my 5 mile run. I woke up this past Saturday and felt like crap. Had a cold. Couldn’t breathe thru my nose at all. Even tried to use my netty pot. (Hey, I’m old, I use a netty pot!!!!)
Sorry, ladies, I’m taken.
My nose was so stuffed up the water couldn’t even go through the other nostril. (wow. i just grossed myself out). My runners book says that no matter how you feel you have to run. NO MATTER WHAT. What happens if you wake up the day of the marathon and you don’t feel good. You still have to run. So I dragged myself out of bed, drank some gatorade and went to a park by the 17o freeway that I saw this past week that looked nice. I was right. It was nice. I started running. At first it sucked but then I realized my legs weren’t tired and that it felt good to be out there running. The time was going faster than it usually does. I hate to say this but I think that there was at least three to four minutes that I actually enjoyed myself. I enjoyed the motion of my body, trying to control my breath, recognizing when I was going thru a rough patch and letting myself feel that way and then getting to a point where I felt good again. I WAS RUNNING!!
“What’s my destiny, Mama?” You are going to be a weirdo for most of your life, you will have a dog that eats her own poop, and you will eventually run a marathon.
It felt like a challenge but for the first time a challenge that I was up to. I ran at a consistent pace of 9 minutes and 30 seconds. Each mile I ran a little faster than before. I finished with a little energy left and so happy that the training seems to be paying off.
I then immediately went home. What was left of my immune system vanished and I got a full blown cold! I didn’t care though. It was the first time that I thought that I was going to accomplish this. I have a long road ahead but this week was a great step in the right direction.
I will post this weekend about my visit to the running store, a new running ap I got on my iphone that changed my life this week, and my reaction to the Tony Award Winning musical The Book Of Mormon. Total cliffhanger. Great times!
“I can’t wait for Ryan’s next blog post. Also, don’t see my last movie The Expendables. It’s horrible.”
Music I ran to over the last two weeks. I made a mega mix.
Set It Off-Girl TalkCameras-Matt & Kim (such a great, fun band. Check them out)Imitation of Life-R.E.M.Believe In Sexual Eruption-BootieJust Tonight-Jimmy Eat WorldCan I Get A..-Jay ZIf U Seek Amy-Britney SpearsGive Me A Beat-Girl TalkCloser-Nine Inch NailsFrom Above-Ben FoldsDANCE-JusticeFight Test-The Flaming LipsEinstein On The Beach-Counting CrowsShut The Club Down-Girl TalkDude Looks Like A Lady-AerosmithIn Step-Girl TalkRush-Big Audio DyanmiteGet Innocuous!-LCD SoundsystemWithout Me-EminemWe R Who We R- Ke$haPlay Your Part-Girl TalkHeart-Shaped Box-NiranaJesus Walks-Kanye WestAnimal-Pearl JamBad Idea-Ben Folds FiveFastlove-George MichaelPicture Window-Ben FoldsSay My Name-Destiny’s ChildBig Pimpin-Jay ZGood Life-Kanye WestRight Now-Van HalenMy Name Is Jonas-WeezerWish-Nine Inch NailsThis Is A Call-Foo FightersBoom Boom Pow-Black Eyed PeasRadio Nowhere-Bruce SpringsteenShadow Stabbing-CakeI’m Not Over-Carolina LiarDa Funk-Daft PunkBootylicious-Destiny’s ChildWhat A Fool Believes-The Doobie BrothersGangster Tripping-Fatboy SlimIzzo-Jay ZThe Middle-Jimmy Eat WorldStronger-Kanye WestBorn This Way-Lady GagaUs Vs. Them-LCD SoundsystemCheck It Out-Nikki MinajB.O.B.-OutkastLittle Secrets-Passion Pit1901-PhoenixDelirious-PrinceWhat’s The Frequency, Kenneth?-RE<Electioneering-RadioheadPictures of Success-Rilo KileyDyanamite-Taio CrazyAnd Darling-Tegan & SaraShake A Fist-Hot ChipKeep On Knocking-The CarsPhilosophy-Ben Folds Five
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