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In The Homestretch. What’s That? I Still Have 1 Month and 3 Weeks Left?? Noooooo!

09-20-11

Hey,

Remember when I said I have to update this more often.  Guess what interferes with updating my blog about running?  Give up?  If you guessed running and running related injuries effect updating my blog you would be CORRECT.

Enough negativity this is all about moving forward  Forward motion.  Getting ahead.  Damn.  That all relates to running.  I can’t stop it.  Running is around every corner.  I think about it when I wake up.  I think about it when I go to bed.  I dream about it when I’m asleep at work.  I mean, I think about it when I’m hard at work.  Basically, I’m 100% obsessed. I’m fully obsessed just like Richard Dreyfuss was when he made a mountain out of mashed potatoes in Close Encounters of the Third Kind or when Glenn Close couldn’t stop thinking about Michael Douglas in Fatal Attractions.  (Personally, I think they should have wound up together.  Her passion impressed me). (Hey guys,  I just realized I’ve brought up two movies that are more than 20 yrs old.  Going to try to drop in a Harry Potter reference soon to cleanse myself.)

"Ryan, my movie is almost as horrible as your running style." -Beyonce Knowles

I haven’t felt this way since the summer of ’92 when Michelle Pheiffer played Catwoman in the historical movie Batman Returns (Darn, old movie again).  It was something in how she wore the leather outfit that stirred my 14 yr old loins….

"Ryan, It creeps me out when you write about me and your "loins". Also, you suck at running. P.S.-Remember to put baby powder on your legs so you don't chafe"-Michelle Pheiffer

We have a little more than a month and a half to go.  It seems so close but still so far away. Everything is getting more intense and time-consuming. Preventing injuries and fighting fatigue are coming into play a lot.  It’s pretty hard to train for this, work a full-time job, stay married, keep a girlfriend on the side, go to auditions, train for my space mission, perform in improv shows, rehearsals, acting class, cure (some) venereal diseases, do chores, record my first album with Kanye West and Jay Z (Watch the Throne, in stores now) and keep up friendships.  Here’s a fun game.  I know it’s hard to believe but I’ve made up a couple of the activities listed above.  Whoever guesses correctly will win a pair of my old headphones that I’ve sweated so hard in that the sound goes in and out.  COLLECTORS ITEM!!! It makes it fun on long runs to have a song that you love fade abruptly every 10 seconds.  I guess I’ll never know the full lyric for Jay Z’s 99 Problems.  “I’ve got 99 problems but a ???? ain’t one. He could be saying anything in there.  My best guess is he’s saying “career.”  Who knows.

"Whenever I need a laugh I think about Ryan training for a marathon." -Jay Z

In my last post I had just run my first 11 miler.  We established how fun that was.  In the last two weeks I have run two half marathons and this past Saturday I ran my first 16 miler.  Editors note: when I say run realize that I do walk 5 seconds here or there.  It helps with my old man aches and pains.  Also, my training book says it is smart to slow down every now and then so you don’t burn yourself out completely early on.  So just leave me alone about it. IF I CHOOSE TO WALK HERE AND THERE LEAVE ME ALONEEEEEEE.

My wife took this photo of me after my 16 mile run on Saturday. I'm as shocked as you are at how feminine I look.

Before the half marathons a couple of weeks ago I went to the great city of Chicago to visit my good friends from high school, Dusty and Amanda.  It was a blast.  I haven’t laughed that hard in a long time.  I ate and drank like a king…with an eating/drinking problem.  I’m serious.  While I was there I ate 3 gyros. 2 burritos, 2 orders of cheese fries, chicken wings, fried mushrooms, cheesesticks, pizza, 2 cheeseburgers and a partridge in a pear tree.  I also consumed so many red bull and vodkas that I finally was able to fall asleep for the first time last night.

Red Bull give me wings..and heart palpitations. I'm going to see if they will be my sponsor for the marathon.

I went to many bars in the city but my favorite bar was an after hours joint that had some of the best artwork on the walls that I have ever seen.

Let's just say that I know what Tom Selleck has been doing with his time...

I even found time to run.  I did a 4 mile run  along the river.  The Chicago heat is no joke.  1 mile in I was sweating like Ryan training for a marathon.  The view was beautiful but most of the time what I saw was this…

Chicago has beautiful asphalt this time of year.

I had to keep looking down at the road to keep from passing out.

That run was hard but the trip was great overall.  Even found some time to do a little light shopping.  Chicago has amazing thrift stores.  I bought a bunch of record albums (INXS, The Cars, Hall and Oates, Rambo soundtrack) but I think I stumbled upon the greatest find of the century in a dimly lit sweaty thrift store.  That’s right.  I found an original mint condition 1983 plastic Mr. T head.

"I pity the fool that buys my plastic head...and is a poor marathon runner." -Mr. T

S0, yeah, I think the picture above proves that it was a pretty awesome trip.  I wish I had a camera on me the day that I bought it.  I got many priceless looks carrying around a Mr. T head on the streets of Chicago.

The bad news was that my body wasn’t used to the kind of drinking and eating that I did that weekend and by the time I got on the plane my legs blew up to the size of watermelons.  My legs are pretty big to begin with but they started to look like they were about to give birth to triplets.  I had cankles.  The whole bit.

Jon and Kate plus 8...plus Ryan's cankles.

I had to elevate my legs for 12 hours the Sunday I got back home but that Monday I was back to normal.  Back to normal meant back to running.  That Monday night I hit the road again and did my first half marathon.  It started by me locking my keys in my car.  I knew this boded well for my run.  I think all great athletes motivate themselves by locking their keys in the car.

"Damn, Ryan, you locked your keys in the car on your first half marathon run? It took me two years of hard training before I learned the "lock your keys in the car" trick."-Michael Phelps

The run itself was pretty hard.  2 minutes in my water belt that I run with fell off my body and I completely tripped over it.  It was shaping up to be a banner run.  The only thing I had going for me was that it was night-time so it was nice and cool. Also, by the cover of night it hid my panting and moaning from the other people on the trail.  For all they knew it was a ghost that was moaning and sweating at an extremely slow pace next to them.  I tried to zone out and meditate during the run but most of the time I was very present and aware of every minute that passed.  I wound up running it in 2:18:22 which is not horrible.  I was really glad to get it over with and under my belt.

Actual picture of me running on that fateful night. Yes, I know I can afford to lose a couple of pounds. Thank you!

The second half marathon I did was last Saturday.  I woke up at 6am and went out.  I was ready to rock and roll.  I figured if I did it once I can do it again and I would be faster  Everything would be smoother.  This time I did not lock my keys in the car and my water belt stayed snugly attached to my love handles.  Things were going good.  This run was actually harder but I chalk that up to the increased mileage for the week.  I had done 13.1 on Monday, 6 miles on Wednesday and 4 miles on Thursday.  By the time I got to Saturday my legs were really tired.  I ran this 13.1 miles slower at 2:27:18 which was a bummer but I finished.  I’m not out to break records here.  I save all the record-breaking for my real life.  Longest sleeper: ME.  Most TV Watched In One Year: ME.  So, yeah, I’ve got the record-breaking down.  I don’t need to show off in every aspect of my life.

They should rename this The Guinness Book of Ryan Records. YEAH!

One record that I did definitely break that day is the record for most chafing done on one’s thigh.  I broke the record like none other.  I guess it was around mile 8 that I realized I didn’t apply my runners glide cream to my thighs.  By mile 13 my thighs felt like two pieces of sandpaper rubbing together.

My chafing actually spells out "thank for not wearing runners glide, jackass" in braille!

You know what else I hate about running besides chafing my body parts?  I hate the people who you have to run by.  You know the people I’m talking about.  They walk in groups and they form a chain like they are the only people on the trail.  I even try to pant extra hard so they know that I’m coming but it never seems to matter.  They form a Great Wall of China.  A force so impenetrable that a hurricane couldn’t bust thru these gals.  I always have to clumsily veer left while they laugh about the new episode of Project Runway or some crap like that.  Hey guys, sorry, I realized I just sounded like my grandpa.  (BTW MY GRANDPA WAS AWESOME)

"Ryan, never challenge the force of THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS!!"

This week has been challenging as well.  I had to do 5 miles on Monday, 7 miles on Wednesday, 5 miles on Thursday and 16 miles on Saturday.  I did the smaller run all at the gym late at night so I wouldn’t drown anyone from the massive tsunami of sweat the comes off my body.  It is super boring on the treadmill but I don’t run the risk of uneven pavement so it seems to be easier on my body.  I love going to the gym late at night.  It’s fascinating to see the people who come out of hiding at midnight.  It’s like a casting call for the music video Thriller.  I swear to god, I ran next to a bald man who wore a trench coat the other day.  A TRENCH COAT.  He was, also, faster than me.  (I bought a trench coat this weekend)

The new ad for my gym, 24 Hour Fitness.

This brings me to my 16 mile run I did yesterday. I decided to find a new place to run since I was tiring of the lady wall blockade and the homeless people by the 170 freeway trail.  I decided upon the Hollywood Lake area.  There is a trail that takes you around the Hollywood reservoir.  You even get to see the Hollywood sign. How perfect.

Hooray for Hollywood, Boo for Running.

I went walking a couple of months back with a friend there and it was really nice.  Let me stress, I went WALKING not running.  I woke up at 6am on Saturday morning and set off.  What I didn’t count on was the path itself.  It was all asphalt but cracked and uneven.  It hurt my knees, calf, and heels within the first mile and I still had 15 miles to go. I said a silent prayer and cranked up my jams and pushed thru. Each loop lasted about 4.5 miles so it beat the 170 freeway trail where each loop was .9 miles.  Mile 2 my calf felt like it was going to explode and I had to stop to stretch it.  I kept going.  Mile 5 my hips started acting up.  I kept going.  Miles 8 and 9 I became aware of my heels hitting the ground with excessive force.  Each step felt like I was stepping on a splinter.  I kept going.  By mile 12 I wanted nothing more than to give up.  I thought how crazy it was that I even wanted to run a marathon. What was I thinking?  The good news was that I ignored that and pushed past it.  I was going to finish no matter what.  I didn’t come out here to quit.  They would have to carry me out of here.  (which would be really cool since the hollywood sign would be in the background)  On mile 15 I was moving so slow that my body got a chill and I was kind of shivering.  I finally finished and dragged myself home.  I had bruised both heels, had some severe blisters and I pulled my calf.  Oh, and that’s right, one of my nipples finally showed signs of bleeding.  What a momentous occasion!!

My wife's a lucky lady. Oh, and yeah, I wear a size 12 so you know what that means.....HUGE BLISTERS!"

I don’t know why yesterday went so poorly. On a positive note, I finished and that is all I really want to do with the marathon but I think yesterday was extra rough because I psyched myself out a little bit.  All week I’ve been scared/excited about the 16 mile run.  I kept wondering what it would feel like and how would I run.  One thing that kinda freaked me out was that I read a passage of a book this week that kind of got inside my mind.  My boss got me a book called Born To Run by Christopher McDougall that is all about running and a hidden tribe of super athletes.  So far it is an excellent non fiction book but there was one part at the beginning of the book that stuck with me this week.  The author spends the first chapter talking about how horrible running is for your body.  He explains what running does to your body with a very visual image.  He says to picture two rocks. Now picture one rock hitting the other one.  Eventually the rocks will turn to dust.  This is what you do to your bones when you run.  GREAT.  What an awesome visual. I spent three hours on Saturday doing a 16 mile run where I visualized my bones turning to dust.  Every creek in my body was a cue that I was turning to ash. It scared the crap out of me.

The scariest book since The Exorcist.

So here I am.  One month and two 1/2 weeks until the marathon.  I’m struggling but I’m getting there and I will be running.  This means something to me.  I don’t know what it means exactly but it means something. I am going to complete this and I’ll let you know when I found out what that something is.

Life is good.

Ryan

Next week you will all (three people who read this blog plus everyone else that doesn’t) will receive an email asking for donations for St. Jude’s Hospital.  I’m running to raise money for them.  It is a great cause.  I was going to send out the email last week but I figured this whole debt ceiling thing might have really freaked out people.  But since our President says our country is strong again (ha) I will be sending out the email.

"I run the country better than you run a mile! I, also, run a mile better than you run a mile."-B.Obama

Also, stay tuned for next week for my information on my new favorite tv show, a cute video of my dog, a new diet my wife is making me try (vegan) and a huge list of new music I’m running to.  Sent out a facebook please for new music and got some great suggestions!

WHAT I LISTENED TO ON MY RUN TWO WEEKS AGO

A lot of the same ol same ol but I added a new album to the mix.  Jay Z and Kanye West came out with an album called Watch The Throne that I’ve been listening to a lot.  You know an album is good when it has the word THRONE in the title.  How much swagger do you must have to compare yourself to a king.  I find it awesome and hysterically funny.  The album is great itself.  The production and sampling is very smooth and inventive.  Great stuff to listen to.

I kid you not. This is the album cover for Watch The Throne. When I first saw this I thought it was a piece of Donald Trumps house.

These are the lyrics to their song called Lift Off with guest vocals by Beyoncé.  Shakespeare better watch his back!!

Jay-Z x Kanye West – Lift Off Lyrics

(All engines running)

[Beyoncé]

We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars

[Kanye West]

(Lift off)
Lift off, takin’ my coat off
Showin’ my tattoos, I’m such a showoff (Huh?)
I feel the pain and then rolled off
I got the whole city, they about to go off
How many niggas wit’ me up in this bitch?
How many people wanna roll with me now? Like you know na na na, you know me by now
Know me, know me by now

We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars
(Lift off, ahh, ahh)

Like you know na na na, you know me by now
Know me, know me by now
you know me know me by now
Know me, know me by now…

[Jay-Z]

Lift off
Rappers hear watch the throne
They gon be pissed off
Earth is boring to em
Sh*t is making my d**k soft
When you Earnhart as me eventually you hit a big wall
5-4-3-2 we need fuel
Lift off

[Beyonce]
We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
How many people you know can take it this far?
I’m supercharged
I’m ’bout to take this whole thing to Mars

Now we gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars
You don’t know what we been through to make it this far
So many scars
‘Bout to take this whole thing to Mars

(20 seconds and counting)
(T-minus 15 seconds, guidance is internal)
(12, 11, 10, 9)
(Ignition sequence start)
(6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1)
(Zero, all engine running)
(Lift off, we have a liftoff)

(We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars)
(We gon’ take it to the moon, take it to the stars)
(How many people you know can take it this far?)
(Take it to the stars)
(How many people you know can take it this far?)
(Now we gon’, now we gon’, now we gon’…)

"OH SNAP, RYAN. YOU'RE BLOG MAKES US GIGGLE SO HARD!!!!"-JAY Z & KANYE WEST

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2 responses to “In The Homestretch. What’s That? I Still Have 1 Month and 3 Weeks Left?? Noooooo!

  1. Andrew Wantuck ⋅

    Great work Bailey. Keep it up (running and blog). The chaffing picture is a battle scar that you should be proud of, but I’m pretty sure that you’ll never forget the glide again (I enjoyed the Braille joke btw).

    Also, please note that you can count on anywhere from $5 to $50 depending on how good the next post is for my reading pleasure. xoxoxoxox

  2. Kara Horrocks ⋅

    Wow Ryan on a couple different levels! Can’t believe you ran 16 miles… hell I haven’t even done that! And wow about the picutres of your feet and thighs, I will now have nightmares! I ran 5 miles once on a mountain without socks, but my blisters were blood!!

    Keep on running!! WE’re proud of you!! Also, I like to listen to Black Eyed Peas on my runs, good beats to keep me going : )

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